Understanding How Kids Process Bullying and Maltreatment at Different Ages: A Guide for Minor Hockey Parents

Age Matters

When your child has a negative experience in hockey their age profoundly shapes how they interpret what happens to them — and more importantly, how they process, internalize and cope with situations that happen. Especially situations like teasing, exclusion, unfairness, bullying, and maltreatment.

As parents, coaches, and supporters, it’s essential to remember that kids at different ages literally do not think the way adults do. Their ability to make sense of conflict, unfairness, or mistreatment grows slowly over time. If we expect too much, we can unintentionally cause harm.

Here’s what you need to know about each minor hockey division:

Under-7 (U7) | Ages 5-6

• Cognitive Development:

  
  

  Children at this age are in the "preoperational" stage (Piaget, 1952). They are highly imaginative, concrete thinkers. They believe in magic, Santa Claus, and that people are generally good.

• Social Understanding:

  
  

  Friendships are based on proximity and fun — "We play together, so we are friends."

• Processing Bullying or Exclusion:

  
  

  They often don't recognize teasing, exclusion, or unkindness as bullying unless it is very overt (e.g., hitting).

  
  

  They might feel upset but lack the words to explain it.

• Important Consideration for Parents:

  
  

  At U7, protective intervention is essential. Children need coaching about kind behavior, not "toughening up."

  
  

  Support emotional labeling ("That felt unfair," "You felt left out") and teach inclusive behavior early.

Under-9 (U9) | Ages 7-8

• Cognitive Development:

  
  

  Children start concrete operational thinking — they understand rules and fairness better, but they are still very black and white in how they interpret the world.

• Social Understanding:

  
  

  Friendships deepen a little — "You are my best friend if you share with me or are nice to me today."

• Processing Bullying or Exclusion:

  
  

  Children may notice "he left me out" or "she said something mean" and feel personal betrayal deeply.

  
  

  They still believe most people are good and want adult validation that mistreatment is wrong.

• Important Consideration for Parents:

  
  

  Clear guidance is crucial. Children this age need adult-led interventions if bullying occurs — they cannot resolve complex social problems alone. Adults must model fairness and teach problem-solving skills.

Under-11 (U11) | Ages 9-10

• Cognitive Development:

  
  

  More advanced concrete thinking emerges. Kids now understand cause and effect better and can spot patterns ("He always leaves me out.").

• Social Understanding:

  
  

  Friendships begin to be about shared values — loyalty, kindness — not just shared activities.

• Processing Bullying or Exclusion:

  
  

  Kids in U11 start to internalize mistreatment.

  
  

  "If I'm left out, maybe something is wrong with me."

  
  

  They can feel shame or self-blame if adults dismiss their concerns ("Just ignore it.").

• Important Consideration for Parents:

  
  

  Validate your child's feelings. Help them analyze social situations gently:

• "What happened?"

• "How did it make you feel?"

• "What could you say or do next time?"

  
  

  Adult advocacy (speaking to coaches, supervising dynamics) is still often needed.

Under-15 (U15) | Ages 11-14

• Cognitive Development:

  
  

  This is the beginning of formal operational thinking (abstract, critical thinking).

  
  

  Teens can now think about thinking ("Why would someone be cruel?") and begin to explore identity deeply.

• Social Understanding:

  
  

  Peer relationships are central. Peer approval is sometimes more important than adult approval.

• Processing Bullying or Exclusion:

  
  

  Bullying at this stage can feel life-defining.

  
  

  Social exclusion or humiliation is processed as a serious threat to identity and belonging.

  
  

  They may also minimize or hide bullying because of embarrassment or fear of retaliation.

• Important Consideration for Parents:

  
  

  Open communication is vital. Be nonjudgmental.

  
  

  Talk about resilience, boundaries, and self-worth, but don't dismiss real harm.

  
  

  Help them understand the difference between conflict (normal disagreements) and maltreatment (targeted harm).

  
  

Under-18 (U18) | Ages 15-17

• Cognitive Development:

  
  

  Advanced abstract reasoning and a greater ability to reflect on complex situations (though the emotional regulation center of the brain is still maturing).

  
  

• Social Understanding:

  
  

  Identity exploration is in full swing — questions of loyalty, ethics, and belonging are powerful.

  
  

• Processing Bullying or Exclusion:

  
  

  Teens can see when systems (coaches, leagues) are unfair.

  
  

  They experience social injury (bullying, harassment) as a serious violation of identity and dignity.

  
  

  Mental health impacts (depression, anxiety, withdrawal) can emerge if maltreatment is not addressed.

  
  

• Important Consideration for Parents:

  
  

  Treat them as partners in problem-solving. Empower them to advocate for themselves while backing them up.

  
  

  Take all claims of maltreatment seriously — teens often test whether adults will actually protect them.

  
  

Key Takeaways Across All Divisions:

• Younger kids (U7-U9) need direct adult protection and simple language to label feelings and behaviors.

• Tweens (U11) start to internalize harm — they need adults to validate, support problem-solving, and step in if necessary.

• Teens (U15-U18) need adults to respect their growing independence, empower their voice, and seriously address claims of harm.

  
  

Bottom Line:

Don't assume that "kids are resilient" automatically.Resilience requires supportive relationships, validation, skill-building, and protection from real harm — not "toughening up" through silence.

Understanding your child's psychological development gives you the tools to be the adult they need — right when they need you most.